Body Image Issues

Post-workout selfie

It’s ridiculous.

I’m in better shape and healthier than I have ever been in my life. Yet, I’m heavier and fatter than I’ve ever been. Almost 38 years old and I weigh roughly 190-195 pounds and have a waist of about 42 inches. Cis-hetero men are taught not to consider their bodies. Those that do tend to go the meat-head route embracing the lunk mentality.

I’m never going to want to be muscle bound. But from adolescence until my mid-30s, I was waif-like. No muscle, no fat–6’3″ and 170 pounds when soaking wet. Then I stopped smoking cigarettes & my metabolism slowed. Queue the weight gain.

I hate the gym. I hate working out. I have utter no desire to improve my body. Yet, I often find myself dissatisfied with the way I look. I’m pale, hairy, and doughy–the essence of unattractive. Yet for some reason my wife loves me. It makes no sense.

For the passed couple of years, I’ve been working out with my wife. She hates doing things alone. We move so often that it’s very difficult to meet people. Simple fact is, making new friends when you’re married and in your mid and late 30s is tough. Making it even worse, we have no interest in children. Essentially, we’re the worse kind of couple–heteros that refuse to breed. So I’ve been her gym partner in an effort to support her in her own attempt to get her weight under control. Also, I’ve come to realize that if I want to live a long life I need to actually be healthy.

The wife sandwiched between Black Canary & Wonder Woman

So, I workout now. I’ve got a whole board now on Pinterest dedicated to exercising. We weight train, we bike on the trails around Lawrence, I play rec league soccer, and do core exercises at home. As a house-spouse, I’ve begun cooking a lot of vegetables and real food (nothing processed, from a box, or ordered for take out or delivery). Yet, I’m still fat. Pale, hairy, and doughy.

Point is–I loathe growing older. I just want to step out of the shower or get dressed in the morning and not feel shitty about myself. The goal is to get back to that point where I never considered my physique. Who knows.


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